In Which They Split Up... For A Year

Season 5, Episode 22
The Beginning in the End


First: TITLE MEANINGS!
I forgot to mention on the post for 5.16: “The Parts in the Sum of the Whole”. It's only parts, you guys. There are still more parts. They aren't done yet.
And this one: “The Beginning in the End”. This is a little less obvious, as there are many possibilities. The one I'm going with relates to the title of 5.16. There are different parts in the whole of the process of them getting together. Those parts can be divided up linearly. This season finale marks the beginning of the “end” parts. Basically: we're in the home stretch, kids. But, they're not out of “parts” yet.

And, second: THE CLOCK. The clock from the first scene of the season four final is in the hoarder's house, blinking the time that it was on in that scene. Meaning? Perhaps the blinking of it means we're paused in getting to there for now? Or that the blinking means it's coming up at some point (to them being together, where it will "stop blinking")?

Or perhaps it was just Hart Hanson being a smart-ass, since he said that clock would be in the season five finale, and everyone thought that had to mean that the first scene from the season four finale would be happening except in real Bones time instead of this vague flash-forward.



BRENNAN:  But I need a break from my life.  I'm worried all the time.  Worried that Booth might get hurt on a case, and I couldn't prevent it, worried... about what our partnership means.



That whole “she's afraid of him getting hurt physically too” thing I talked about in the last episode? It's the same thing here.



DAISY:  So you're coming?

BRENNAN:  Agent Booth and I are partners.  I have to discuss it with him first.

DAISY:  He's probably going to go be a big hero in Afghanistan.

BRENNAN:  He says he doesn't want to go.

DAISY:  Lance said that Booth has the psyche of a true warrior.  That it's a miracle he hasn't gone back long before this.  Maybe you're holding him back the same way he's holding you back.  (Off Brennan's look.)  I shouldn't have said that.  But sometimes my mouth just has a mouth of its own.

DAMNIT, DAISY!
Although, it might be good for them. It might even count as a “step” in their relationship, in a sense, for them to kind of get this out of their systems. For him to go back one more time, for her to do her research anthropology again to reinforce that she still loves solving murders.



BRENNAN:  I've been offered the chance to head up the Maluku Island project.

BOOTH:  Yeah, I heard.  Daisy told Sweets and Sweets told me.

BRENNAN:  Oh.  I'd like to accept.

BOOTH:  Hmmm.  I thought you already had.

BRENNAN:  We've been partners for five years, Booth.  I wouldn't make a decision like this without talking to you.

BOOTH:  Bones, look, you don't need my permission.  Okay, it's-it's cool.

BRENNAN:  You say that, but you won't look at me.  You're the one who taught me the value of making eye contact.  So, please...?

It feels like the past five years are all culminating in this episode. She talks not once but twice in this episode of things Booth has taught her. Like this, with the eye contact. Now she's using it on him. It's coming full-circle.

BOOTH:  (He looks at her.)  I'm sorry.  I just... I don't do really good with change, I guess.

BRENNAN:  Well, you're better than I am.

BOOTH:  The pyramids are better at change than you are.  (Off her look.)  It was a joke.  Hey, I was being affectionate.

BRENNAN:  Oh.  (Laughs)  Will you go back to the Army?

BOOTH:  It's what's best for me right now. 

BRENNAN:  I'll only be gone for a year.

BOOTH: Me, too.   Right.  So, hey, what's a year?

BRENNAN:  It's the time it takes the Earth to make a full revolution around the sun.

BOOTH:  In the scheme of things.  You know, the grand scheme.  Just saying, a year is just, you know... it's not too bad.

BRENNAN:  Right.

BOOTH:  Right? 

BRENNAN:  We can come back, pick up where we left off.  Nothing really has to change.

BOOTH:  No, things have to change.  You know what?  Hey, I taught you about eye contact, you taught me about evolution.  So... here's to change.

BRENNAN:  (They touch their coffee cups together.)  To change.

And, looky there, Bones still trying to make like things can be the same.
Booth knows better, though. Things will change. They already have. They did the second she turned him away.
This is a case, though, where he can't just tell her it and she just has to trust. She has to figure it out for herself.



DAISY:  Dr. Brennan, we really have to go.

BRENNAN:  Yes.  (Clears throat, then looks up as Booth enters.  They look at each other, then Brennan walks toward Booth.)

DAISY:  Dr. Brennan?

CAM:  Oh, my God.

BOOTH:  Sorry.  Couldn't get a pass.  I had to sneak off the base to come say good-bye.  Listen, Bones, you got to be really careful in that Indonesian jungle, okay?

BRENNAN:  Booth, in a week, you're going to a war zone.  Please don't be a hero.  Please just... don't be you.

BOOTH:  (He steps closer, then reaches out and clasps her hand.)  One year from today, we meet at the reflecting pool on the mall.  Right by the...

BRENNAN:   ...coffee cart.  I know.  One year from today.

(They stare at each other for a moment, then Booth takes a step back and lets go of her hand.  He turns and walks away.  Brennan watches him go for second before she turns and walks the opposite direction herself.  Booth stops and turns around and she glances back one more time, with tears in her eyes.  Then Booth turns again and walks away, Brennan does the same.)

This, right here, is the perfect balance of sad and poignant. I really can't stand it (in a good way). The look on her face when she sees him, her telling him not to be a hero, when they grab hands, when they look back at each other... it would be cliché if it weren't so goddamn touching.



Speaking of the grabbing-of-hands, the showrunners could not have made a better choice in regards to a last physical gesture. A hug would have... made it not as touching, in a sense, because it would be so expected. And of course it's filled with that “OMG KISS KISS KISS KISS!” feeling, but of course they're not going to kiss, and of course I'm glad they didn't, because HELLO, WORLD OF IMPLICATIONS THAT THEY DO NOT HAVE THE TIME TO DEAL WITH. The hand hold is just... perfect.



And the looks back at each other say it all. They want to hold on to what they have, want to hold on to the moment before they leave each other for a year... but, it's passed. They can only hold on for so long. And then they leave.



From 5.16 to 5.22 is incredibly overwhelming. Everything changes so fast, and so it makes sense that it evoked a shitload of feelings not just from our leading man and lady but from the fans. This is an entirely different game now, kiddies, and just like Booth and Bones have to get used to change, so do we.



I had wanted to have some sort of comprehensive paragraph about Booth and Bones thus far, but really, there's nothing I can say that I haven't already said a million times over throughout this blog. That's what this blog is, really: one very large comprehensive paragraph about Booth and Bones, thus far.



The best way I can explain how I feel about this next season is with a roller coaster analogy. You get on the roller coaster, and you think it's going to be a pretty great ride. When you're there, on the ride, it is so much fun, but at the same time, so damn scary. And now, it's at that part where it's getting close to the scariest part of the ride. You can tell it's coming. And you're starting to freak out. In your head, you're going “HOLY SHIT, DAMN, GET ME OFF OF THIS. I REGRET EVER GETTING ON THIS FUCKING RIDE, I WANT OFF!” But, there's no way to get off the ride. You're going to go through this really scary part no matter what. You're dreading it so much, but at the same time, you just want to start it so you can be done with it already. And maybe you're scared as fuck now, but deep down, you know that when the train's riding in slowly at the end, you'll have had such a damn fun ride, and it'll all be worth it.



I'm dreading it, but at the same time, I just want to start it so I can get to the slow riding-in-to-the-station part and look back on the ride and appreciate it all, even the scary parts.



I know spoilers about season six. I was originally going to make a whole extra post discussing them and what I think about it and what I'm expecting, but since the premiere is in less than 24 hours, I might as well wait until it's all in context.



But the point is, if you like the show enough to be reading this blog, you, like me, are so invested in the show that no matter what happens, you're going to keep watching until the end. So, here's some things to keep in mind in this upcoming season:

1. Even with everything that happens, it is just a television show. I know it seems hypocritical coming from the lady with the 60,000+ word blog about it, but seriously, a little perspective is always good.
   
2. Keep an open mind.
   
3. Trust that the ride will be worth it.
   
4. And, most importantly, when you're on the ride, and shit is just CRAZY, and you're saying to yourself, “Damnit, I wish I had never even started watching this fucking show!”, just remember:
   

Everything happens eventually.





See you again on Thursday/Friday/Saturday/whenever I get the post for the season premiere done, kiddos.

In Which Shit's Getting All Topsey-Turvey

Season 5, Episode 21
The Boy With The Answer

BRENNAN: She was laughing at me, I - I can't let her win.
BOOTH: She won't.
BRENNAN: You hope. She may be amoral, but she is brilliant.
BOOTH: Well, you're more brilliant.
BRENNAN: What if her dispassion makes her more logical. What if that gives her and advantage over me?
BOOTH: Wait a minute. Now you're upset because you're not more like a psychopath?
BRENNAN: I just think...maybe I've lost my advantage because of all the people I've involved with now. All of the relationships, they complicate logical thought.
BOOTH: You don't mean that.
BRENNAN: Could we please just work.
BOOTH: Sure.



Now, see, I don't like this. Not because I think it's not believable, though. Quite the opposite. It is entirely believable, and I hate that it is. Because after all this emotional progress Bones has made, for her to think it not a good thing is just painful to hear, because we have literally been sitting on our asses and watching it all happen for five years. But, it makes perfect sense. At her core she is still, and will always be, Rational!Brennan. Her world has been flipped all around in the last few episodes, and shit is crazy. That rational part in her is now coming out again and saying “you know, if you had never pushed me aside, none of this would have ever happened!” And unfortunately, she's listening to it.



BRENNAN: I have nightmares, Booth. Hodgins is bleeding, you're drowning. I-I can't help anyone.
BOOTH: Alright, you know what? She's never gonna get the better of you, alright? Just know that. Alright? I promise. Okay?
(He hugs her - she hugs him back)



OH, HUG. Say it with me now: Some things never change. He will always be the one to comfort her.

BRENNAN: It's not just the case. I'm tired of...of all of it. I'm tired of dealing with murders and victims and sadness and pain.
BOOTH: Well, Bones, that's what we do. Alright? We catch the bad people and we make the world a better place.
BRENNAN: No, Booth. That's what you do and somehow I got caught up into it.



This part pisses me off slightly, because SHE WAS THE ONE who wanted to go out into the field and be all involved. Yes, he was the one who got her solving murders, but she would not have been nearly as emotionally involved had she not insisted she go out into the field.



It doesn't piss me off to stay on it too long, though, because what happens next is so much more notable:

BRENNAN: I have this sense that everything's changing, Booth.



Oh, hey, look who's finally catching on. Yes, Bones, things are changing. Things can't be entirely the same after what happened. And even with this “sense”, she doesn't entirely realize just how much things are changed; she won't for awhile. I believe that once she does realize it, and once she realizes that she can't live with things not being like they were, that's when she'll have the realization that there is no other option for her than Booth, that she can and does love him.

BOOTH: Well, not everything. Look, we're still partners. Right? And-and Taffet. She's-she's put away. I mean, you're feeling good about that, right?
BRENNAN: You almost died, Booth. That can happen again. What if, next time, I can't get to you?



And this “It would hurt me too much to have you be hurt” situation, one of the main reasons I believe Bones did what she did in 5.16, just with a different aspect. She turned him down then because she was afraid of her hurting him emotionally because she thinks she's not able to love him the way he loves her. She turned him away even though it hurt her, because it would hurt her even more if she hurt him. In this instance, it's the same thing, except she's afraid of him getting physically hurt. She'd rather they not be working together than have him get killed because the pain of them being apart wouldn't be as bad for her as the pain she'd feel if he died.

BOOTH: You know when a dentist gives you anesthetic and tells you not to operate any heavy machinery or make any important decisions within 24 hours? Alright, this case was bigger than a root canal. Come on, let's just go back inside and have one more drink. Come on. Just one.
(He reaches for her hand but she pulls away and goes to hail a cab.)
BRENNAN: No. I'm tired, Booth. I-I-I'm going to go home.
BOOTH: Alright. Come on. Let's-we'll get you in the cab. (the cab pulls up) I know, it's-it's been a long, long day. Alright, get in there, alright? (she gets into the cab) Hey. I'll see you tomorrow, alright?
(She doesn't respond. He closes the door and watches as the taxi drives away. She turns around and looks at him. It's like deja vu. They're back at the beginning.)


OH, SNAP. SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE?!



You remember what happened when the whole Bones-waving-goodbye-from-a-cab thing happened the first time? In the general, things with them took a turn. They changed.



In the specific, they didn't work together for a year.



OH, SNAP.

In Which He Wishes Her Happiness

Season 5, Episode 20
The Witch in the Wardrobe


I never thought I'd say this, but thank goodness for an episode that DOESN'T revolve around B&B, not only just because they've had SO MUCH going on for several episodes in a row at this point, but also because this is when Angela and Hodgins finally got back together (like they should have a season ago)! I remember when season 4 was airing and they broke up, I had guessed that they would be back together by November sweeps of that season... oh, how positively wrong I was. Lol.



But, anyway, there's this little poignant gem of a scene:



BOOTH: This was given to me by the witches. Look, it's you, Little Bones.

BRENNAN: No, it's not.

BOOTH [laughing]: Yes, it is, you see? The witch said that if I burned this in your presence, then the wish I make for you will come true.

[He opens a lighter.]

BRENNAN: You think I care, but I don't. It's just superstition. And for superstition to work, the person has to believe that he or she is cursed or under a spell--watch you don't burn your fingers!

BOOTH: Want to know what I wished for?

BRENNAN: No, it doesn't matter. Completely irrelevant.

Bones, you should know that your hyper-rationality doesn't fool anyone anymore. Seriously.

It's almost like she's trying herself to reinforce the idea that they're not compatible to reverting back to her hyper-rationality.

BOOTH: I wished... I wished that you could find happiness.

BRENNAN: I don't know what that means.

BOOTH: Happiness. Love, laughter, friendship, purpose... and a dance.

He wishes her happiness.

This is worthy of a POIGNANCY ALERT (yes, I just made that up).

BRENNAN: Oh. Well, then thank you.

BOOTH [triumphantly]: Ah...

BRENNAN: Why is that funny?

BOOTH: 'Cause, you know, you wouldn't have thanked me if you didn't think that part of it was true.

BRENNAN: No, I was, I was thanking you for your kindness, not because I believed in the outcome.

BOOTH: Ah, I detected relief.

BRENNAN: No, no, you didn't.

BOOTH: Relief, that the mojo was good and not bad.

BRENNAN: Okay, now you're just mixing up belief systems.

BOOTH: Really? Okay, you want me to burn another one?

BRENNAN: No, smoke isn’t allowed--how many do you have?

BOOTH: I’ve got a lot.

Again, some things never change. And I'm VERY grateful for that.



(just to note, in all this whole “things will never be the same with them” business I keep talking about, I do not, in any way, mean that their entire relationship is going to change. They still have their essence, and their love (despite how they try to hide it and rearrange it), and that will come out time and time again, no matter what they do.)

In Which They Sing Their Song Again

Season 5, Episode 19
The Rocker in the Rinse Cycle


BRENNAN: Booth seems to like Catherine, don't you think?

CAM: I do. I'm glad. It's been a long time since he's dated anyone.

BRENNAN: I know. It's important for Booth to share his life. I prefer being alone.

CAM: But you're seeing Hacker.

BRENNAN: Yes, and I like him, but not like Booth. I mean not like Booth wants to like someone.

CAM: All organisms evolve and develop along patterns only recognized in retrospect. Your life doesn't exist outside the laws of nature.

BRENNAN: Then, in ignorance, I await my own surprise. Although the odds of it involving a commitment to another person are remote.

Oh, Bones. Your being convinced that you can't love like Booth loves is really just too much. Cam thinks so too, hence what she said.



BOOTH: Ah, come on, Bones. Play along. (The musicians start to play the opening notes to "Hot Blooded" by Foreigner.) It's rock and roll fantasy camp. It's cool, right? You hear that? That is our song. Remember "Hot Blooded"?

BRENNAN: The last time we sang this song, Booth, someone tried to kill you.

BOOTH: Yeah, but it was fun up until the blast, right? Come on.

(BOoth jumps on the stage and starts singing into the microphone)

BOOTH: (singing) I'm hot blooded, check it and see... (he notices Brennan strapping on a guitar) Wait a second. You play the guitar?

BRENNAN: Well, I play the akonting, the folk lute of the Jola tribe, but the guitar is not dissimilar.

(Brennan joins him on stage and starts to stum the guitar. They both start to sing.)

BOOTH & BRENNAN: (singing) Well, I'm Hot blooded. Check it and see. I've got a fever of a hundred and three. Come on, baby, you can do more than dance. I'm hot blooded, hot blooded!

(Brennan rocks on the guitar solo but receives a text message so she stops and checks her phone while Booth keeps rocking out)

Oh, fluff scene. You always make things so much better.



BRENNAN: Well, groupers would be more logical. Male groupers have harems of multiple females. If you enter into a social contract with a marine biologist, you should know these things.

BOOTH: Yeah, well, a fish can't play the guitar.

BRENNAN: Well, apparently, neither could Cole.

BOOTH: You don't have to keep bringing up Catherine.

BRENNAN: Well, you're welcome to bring up Andrew.

Annnnnnd more of her making like things are the same as before.



(Cut to: Founding Fathers. Booth and Brennan are sitting at the bar, having a beer.)

BOOTH: You know, our killer plays a mean guitar. I'm sure that they have, you know, a band in prison for him.

BRENNAN: You're a very good singer.

BOOTH: Thank you, Bones. And you-you play the guitar in a very interesting fashion.

BRENNAN: I know. Does Catherine play?

BOOTH: I don't know. I've only been out with her twice, Bones.

BRENNAN: Last night, Andrew gave me a CD with music he likes.

BOOTH: Mix-tape, huh? Talk about a social contract.

BRENNAN: That's what I surmised. (she pauses) Our partnership is still important to me. You know that, right?

BOOTH: Sure. Yeah. Die for your, partner. That's the way I look at it.

Partner talk! There's not so much of the double-meaning with it anymore, but in a way, at least in this instance, it's like going back to the baseline. Their partnership is still important to them (of freaking COURSE, that's part of the reason why she turned him down). You die for your partner. You just do. Before they had anything else, they were partners. It's sort of like the base in the pyramid of their relationship. And even after what's happened, they have that base.

BRENNAN: I liked Andrew's taste in music except for a band called Led Zeppelin.

BOOTH: Except for a band called Led Zeppelin?

BRENNAN: (hesitantly) Yes.

BOOTH: What? You kidding me? Led Zeppelin is, like, the best rock and roll band ever. I mean, they had a reunion tour in '07 in London. I would have killed for those tickets.

BRENNAN: Really? My publisher offered me tickets, but when I heard "Zeppelin," I thought it was for some sort of air show.

BOOTH: Air show? You turned down what probably was the last concert that Zeppelin would ever play?

BRENNAN: Are you going to kill me?

BOOTH: You're unbelievable!

BRENNAN: Well, it's just a band, Booth.

BOOTH: It's not just a band, okay? This is Led Zeppelin. You know what? I am your partner. You offer your partner those kind of things.

BRENNAN: I didn't know that!

BOOTH: Offer your partner the tickets.

The classic bickering.
Thankfully, some things never change.

In Which They Start to Date Others

Season 5, Episode 18

The Predator in the Pool

BRENNAN: Andrew was joking; he likes to put people at ease. It's a nice quality.

(Andrew and Brennan share a smile)

BOOTH: Well, everybody likes to laugh. (off the leg) Except that guy.

I'm sure at this scene, there's a lot of “what the hell, she can flirt and want to be with HACKER, of all people, but not Booth?”s that go on withing the sea of fans out there when it comes to this scene (and this whole episode, really). And I was definitely part of this mindset. But see, here's the thing: she doesn't have shit at stake with Hacker. She has nothing. She doesn't have a working relationship to worry about, she doesn't have all this fear of “losing” what she already has with him.

And she's not looking to fall in love with him or anything. Yes, later on she says she said “no” to his invitation to see a play because she thought “play” was code for “sex”, so she obviously wants more than a purely sexual relationship, but I really don't think you can go “Oh my god, how can she want to be in love with Hacker and not Booth?!” It's just too far out there.

And of course, a lot of it is probably a coping mechanism similar to Booth's: instead of truly dealing with it and moving past it, she's just trying to do the moving past it part. It's a lot less clear that that's what she's doing when compared to how clear it is that that's what Booth is doing because how what happened hurt Booth is a lot more clear. He wanted to give them a shot. She turned him down. He's crushed. And his pride is flattened. Of course he's going to try to move on right away. But Bones was hurt in this to, hurt by her own actions. She has to have a way to deal with it too. And since this IS Bones we're talking about, she's certainly not going to let it all out in the open and truly deal with it, especially since she doesn't have Booth to help her out with it, so she's going to try to push it away, act like it never happened, and make like everything can be the same.

BOOTH: Okay, you know what? You don't have to go in, Bones.

BRENNAN: Yes, I do. We need to recover what's left of the victim to have any hope of identification.

BOOTH: Time out, okay. Have Hodgins do it.

HODGINS: I look like Richard Dreyfus, don't I? "We're gonna need a bigger boat!"

BRENNAN: No - we don't need a boat. Wh-why are you wearing that hat?

BOOTH: Keep his brain warm, okay. Make Hodgins go in there and do it.

BRENNAN: There is nothing to be afraid of, Booth.

HODGINS: Yeah, you know, sharks - they don't eat people.

BOOTH: Really? Tell that to the guy who got, ya know, coughed up by a grouper, okay.

Remember that thing I said about how they can try to hide and tuck away their love now that the “event” has happened, but it's still there no matter what they do? Yeah, this is an example of how true that is. He's still the White Knight. Even though she flat out said he's the one that needs protecting, he's still the white knight. He can't help it.

BOOTH: Oh, he's looking forward to our date - your date.

BRENNAN: So am I. He emailed me and said he had tickets to a play.

BOOTH: He emailed you? For a play?

BRENNAN: I believe that 'a play' is Andrew's code for sex. (Booth looks a bit uncomfortable) Is it okay for us to talk like this?

BOOTH: Yeah.

BRENNAN: Well, when he invited me to the play I thought it was code for sex so I said no.

BOOTH: Oh.

BRENNAN: But I said yes to coffee.

BOOTH: Maybe that's a code.

BRENNAN: uh, uh. Angela said that coffee isn't a code for anything.

BOOTH: Well, I have a date too.

BRENNAN: Good.

BOOTH: Catherine Bryar.

BRENNAN: Everyone at the aquarium is a suspect.

BOOTH: And once she's eliminated as a person of interest...

BRENNAN: (changing the subject) Why did Andrew call?

Huh. She continues with her making-like-everything's-the-same thing by talking about Andrew, he mentions going out with Catherine, she changes the subject, BUT every time after this instance, she mentions Catherine every chance she gets. Do I sense a little shock at the idea that he's actually moving on, so she buys times to form a reaction by changing the subject, and then she over-mentions Catherine as to 1) make like she's ok with it, and 2) continue to make like everything is how it used to be?

I believe I DO sense that.

I have a question for ya'll: did they tell Sweets about the end of 5.16? I remember Booth mentioning at one point that he was “moving on” to Sweets, but I mean, I think Sweets would freak out a LOT if he knew what happened. Thoughts, anyone?

ANGELA: Hacker is very sophisticated in his job, but he's much more transparent in his personal life. Does that sound like anybody you know?

BRENNAN: Me? So you mean we're compatible?

ANGELA: Well, you know who I think you belong with.

BRENNAN: I don't belong with anyone, Angela.

Oh, Bones. This is just sad. Damn you, thinking you're incapable of love.

BRENNAN: I'm going to have coffee with Andrew.

BOOTH: Alright. Have a good time.

BRENNAN: Thank you.

BOOTH: I'm going to see someone too.

BRENNAN: Dr. Catherine Bryar.

BOOTH: The case is closed.

BRENNAN: She's very nice. The two of you seem compatible.

BOOTH: Maybe, we'll see.

Her talking about compatibility not once, but twice, this episode, adds yet ANOTHER possible reason as to why she turned Booth down: despite what she feels, she knows that on the outside, they are completely incompatible. She doesn't know how to let herself just go with her feelings as opposed to the evidence, and the “evidence” says he's the gambler and she's the scientist and they aren't compatible.

BRENNAN: She's easily as pretty as I am. I mean, using me as a standard.

BOOTH: Bones, you are the standard.

OH, BOOTH. :(

BRENNAN: Angela and Hodgins find the fish tank to be very romantic.

BOOTH: Mystery of the deep. The great unknown.

BRENNAN: It's a body of enclosed water filled with aquatic, ectothermic vertebrates. Not unknown at all but pretty. Maybe that's what they like.

BOOTH: Yeah. That's probably what it is. I bet that's what it is. So, your date. Um, how was that?

BRENNAN: Oh, quite enjoyable. Andrew is charming and very funny.

BOOTH: I can see; you're still smiling.

BRENNAN: What about you and Catherine? Did you have a good time?

BOOTH: Yeah. Yeah. We laughed. A lot. It felt good. I'm gonna see her again.

BRENNAN: Excellent. You deserve a good woman, Booth.

BOOTH: So do you, Bones. I mean, not a women but you know what I meant.

BRENNAN: I know. So, um, what did you laugh about?

OH JUST SHUT UP NOW. “You deserve a good woman Booth” “So do you” STOP IT. STOP BEING SO FUCKING POIGNANT, YOU TWO. SERIOUSLY.

BOOTH: Just...something about her earrings.

BRENNAN: She wore amusing earrings.

BOOTH: No. She said that they were a gift and she knew they were real because no one would buy fake diamonds that small.

BRENNAN: They might - if they were on a tight budget.

BOOTH: Oh, no, no. It's um - it doesn't matter. You had to be there.

Uh-oh. This is some of that “evidence” that's going to reinforce the absurdity of the two of them being together in both their minds. It's superficial, as Wyatt said, but they don't see this. They just see yet another thing they miss the connection on.

Post-emotional explosion times are not happy times 'round these parts.

In Which They Hold On For Just A Minute More

Season 5, Episode 17
The Death of the Queen Bee


So, once I stopped flipping my shit over 5.16, I had this legitimate fear that the angst/sad factor would go up by 100 afterward, that all their little things before, all their touches and discussions and whatnot that used to be cute before when it was all “OMG, THEY ARE SO IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER BUT THEY JUST DON'T KNOW IT!! <3” would now be just sad and angsty, since they just had this huge seemingly bridge-burning THING happen that kind of made the whole “OH THEY JUST DON'T KNOW IT YET LOL” thing kind of impossible now.



And as much as I was dreading it, I wouldn't want it any other way, because any other way would seem not believable to me.



And, it kind of did end up that way, but kind of not. Basically, it wasn't as angsty/sad as I expected, but there were definitely parts.



There's something I need to address before I start with this episode though, and that's about how the hell they can even be standing after what happened at the end of the last episode.



Basic answer: their coping mechanisms are running like crazy. Booth's is fairly simple: he's trying to keep a hold of the little bits of pride he has left (more on that later). Bones' is more complicated, especially in the episode after this, when she's around Andrew and flirting with him again.



BOOTH: Alright, I get it. Alright, Sweets. I respect that but you know what? I've moved on. I already even have a date for next week.



Hmm, they decided to go the “doesn't give himself nearly enough time truly get past it” route.



Which, as most things do, makes complete sense. From when she says “don't look so sad” to him in 5.16, his pride is positively DEMOLISHED, and he's trying to gain it back by jumping straight into the dating pool, almost to pretend like it didn't even happen (I'll elaborate more on this with a quote later in the his episode).



BRAD: Ah, Brad Benson. Julie Coyle. So you guys have any kids yet?

BOOTH: Oh, no. Not yet but we want a house full, right?

BRENNAN: Yes. We have intercourse every chance we get.

BOOTH: Wow. Ah, yeah. I mean, all over the place.

I just love any time she says “intercourse”. It's so hilariously awkward.



BOOTH: (hesitantly) Oh, I just don't want any misunderstandings, here, that's all, Bones. I mean, ya know, we, uh, opened a door that neither one of us wants to walk though.



Ok, guess that “late quote” I was talking about wasn't as “later” as I thought.
Here's the deal: his pride is pretty much demolished. After she says “don't look so sad” - Booth's lion manly pride is deathly injured. Him, sad? No, no, he can't let her see him sad, he thinks. He's ended up in a situation he never wanted to be in. And it goes even farther back to the whole “YOU'RE the one that needs protecting, from me” part of that conversation. She has basically told him that his whole White Knight “mission” is in vain. The knight has been stripped of his armor. And that is just too much for him to handle. So, right after she says “don't look so sad”, he goes “you're right, you're right”, even though she isn't. And he knows it. But he simply doesn't have any residual pride left to take the risk of trying to convince her she's not right – he has to salvage what's left. So, he tells her she's right. He's already made a date with someone. He claims that “neither one of them” wants to walk through the door HE opened (and he tries to salvage it even more by saying THEY opened the door).



And this is why it's going to have to be Brennan to initiate any kind of relationship/love thing with them in the future (unless it's VERY far in the future), it's what the ball is now in her court. He doesn't have enough pride in relation to her left, not even confidence in relation to them anymore. It's up to her.



BRENNAN: I know. I- I just was asking to dance. Because I remembered the song. I'm sorry.



And see, she doesn't quite get that things can't be exactly like they were before, because she doesn't quite get emotional implications. They can't go on with their “surrogate relationship” in its purest form like before, because he put himself out there, and things were said, and she turned him down. I think it'll take her awhile really to understand that it will never be exactly like before... (spoilers from season six promo, highlight to see: and I think she'll finally really start to understand that fact once Hannah is around for a little while.



(Mr. Buxley is near a rope and takes the knife and cuts it. Stars come down from the ceiling and everyone applauds.)

BOOTH: (looking at the stars) That is so cool. (he looks at Brennan) Bones, you're tearing up.

BRENNAN: This is the prom that I never got to go to.

(Booth smiles and moves towards Brennan, she moves in close and wraps her arms around his neck and places her head on his shoulder. At first, Booth is surprised but accepts the dance. They both seem apprehensive at first but after a few seconds, they both look content; happy to be there, dancing together and for those few moments, everything is how it should (could) be.)

Oh, fan-written stage directions. I love it when you are SO correct.



This right here, is nearly as sad as her turning him down last episode. Not quite as sob-worthy as that was, but lord, does it tug at the heartstrings, because it's the first taste of that post-”event” (that's what I'm calling it now - “the event”) sadness; something that would have been cute and all “awwww omg how can they not know their feelings for each other?!?!” had the event not happened is now a bit sad and very poignant. Of course, the poignancy is what makes it so riveting to watch, even though there's that lace of sadness in there too. The way she goes immediately to him when he gives her the physical “ok” to dance closely and straight-away wraps herself around him and rests her head on his shoulder... she this is just it; she doesn't understand that things can't be the same. She can't quite discern that that, them dancing like that together, is something that normally indicates love. Because she only recently even believed in love. She doesn't yet know exactly what determines it and what doesn't. She doesn't understand that so much of what they did does determine “love”. All she knows it as is, well, what she and Booth do. And the look on his face at first... he knows this. And that's why he looks uncomfortable; because he IS. Because he doesn't want to feel this way anymore, because she turned him down, and he has hardly any pride left. And this is not helping. He is not helping her figure out just what “love” is, and he's not helping himself get over her.

But in that moment, he just can't resist it. It's almost as though they're trying to hang on to the last bits of what they had before, even though in reality, it's gone, and it won't be back entirely until they get together. And then his face morphs into the slightest of smiles. Just for now, just for that moment, they can be happy and content and dancing, closely, still who they were before.

And in a way, they still are, because their love never leaves. It gets moved and hidden away and rearranged, but they can never truly get rid of it.

And so they dance closely, as lovers do.

BOOTH: Look, they didn't dislike you, Bones, they just didn't understand you. That's a big difference.

BRENNAN: It didn't bother me. I found the reunion to be quite educational. And you were right. It was good to go back. It made me see how lucky I am. Now. This is what friendship is like; this table. I am very lucky.

HODGINS: Aww. Cheers!

This brings up an interesting idea, that relates back to the whole “Bones not being to discern love” thing: yes, the main reason she turned him down was because she doesn't think her heart is open enough and that she's terrified of love, but perhaps part of it was also that she was scared that they might lose what they had. Their working relationship was definitely on her mind; it was the first thing she mentioned when he said he wanted to give them a shot, and it was the first thing she mentioned after her turning him down was the final decision (for the moment). But along with that was they already had. Since she can't exactly figure what constitutes “love”, perhaps she thought that they might lose a lot of what they already had, things that, in fact, they WON'T have now that she turned him down (like the dancing), but things she thought, from said lack of knowledge of what constitutes love and what doesn't, would be lost if they got together.



And perhaps part of it is for her fear of loosing the essence of the whole group, of the squint squad. Perhaps she's afraid getting together with Booth would change the dynamic in the group, which doesn't seem on the outside like a huge loss if it means she gets to be with Booth, but lest you forget, these people are her family. They were her ONLY family before she knew what happened to her parents and when she was estranged from Russ, and even though things are better in that department, 1) they're still the ones she sees on a daily basis, and 2) they were the ones who were there when her biological family wasn't. These people mean the absolute world to Brennan. And fear of losing that would add to all these fears she already has and make her even MORE inclined to run the opposite way from Booth when he says he wants to give them a shot.

AND ONE MORE PERHAPS: perhaps she also couldn't even allow herself to believe he loves her, or at least believe that he has feelings for her, because she is just SO scared of getting abandoned again and getting hurt again (that whole “if you hurt her, you'll break her for good” business Cam and Sweets were on about after Booth's coma). Perhaps she couldn't even deal with the possibility of getting hurt eventually by him, because deep down, she knows that were he to say he loves her, and then were he to go back on that, it would destroy her. She can't even let herself think he might love her.

I'm not saying all this is for sure. I'm just saying, perhaps.

In Which SHIT IS TOO CRAZY FOR A TITLE

Season 5, Episode 16
100^th EPISODE
The Parts in the Sum of the Whole

(NOTE: THIS IS 4,329 WORDS OF UTTER FANGIRL CRAZY. PROCEED WITH CAUTION (to say the least).)



Instead of starting with talking about how fucking sad the last scene still is to watch, I'll give you the same experience of the episode; happy, fun times of hearing about their first case for the main part of the episode, then having it jump from happy and fun to sad and OMG WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.



Oh, sweet baby jesus. Let's just start this.



BOOTH: Okay, what exactly do you think, you think we're telling him about?

BRENNAN: Page 31. And I quote "Subjects worked together for the first time in solving the murder of pregnant Congressional intern, Cleo Eller.

BOOTH: Oooh. Right, yeah. That's right. We worked that other case before that.

BRENNAN: What did you think we were going to talk to him about?

BOOTH: The whole, uh, love thing?

BRENNAN: Love thing? Oh, his conclusion we're in love? I don't care about that.

Ughh, Bones, why must you always make things so complicated? Now, Booth's reaction makes total sense, how he's all uncomfortable about it and whatnot, because he knows he's in love with her. And Bones' reaction makes sense too. Remember that time when Sweets said the more rational and cold and emotionless she is, the more vulnerability and feeling she's hiding underneath? Yeah, he was right on that one. It might be very, very, VERY far underneath, but it's there (and we'll see this in the final scene of the episode). She has repressed this idea of being in love with Booth so much, believed it not to be true again and again so much that's she's tricked her conscious into believing it.



Thinking back to her “I believe in love” (damnit, now the song from Hair is stuck in my head) speech, some speculation comes up. That happened just two episodes ago. One wouldn't be out of place to think that this mini-epiphany of hers elicited some thoughts in her about maybe being in love with Booth. But then she goes, “Oh my god, being in love with Booth?!” It's a monstrously HUGE thing for her. There are so many implications. So much that could go wrong. And what if they couldn't work together anymore? Or what if he doesn't have feelings for her at all? How could he, with his lion heart, love someone like her, who's so cold-hearted (she isn't truly like this, and he doesn't think of her this way either, but that's how she generally sees herself)? The act of being in love with anyone, let alone Booth, would require her to put herself out there, to open herself up, and possibly get rejected or abandoned again and get devastatingly hurt.



And, of course, this whole thought process happens within a split second in her mind, and she automatically dismisses the idea, because she simply cannot deal with that yet. It's just all too much for her emotionally; it's not even a possibility. So she eliminates the idea all together.



BRENNAN: Are you a student here?

BOOTH: Special Agent Seeley Booth from the FBI.

BRENNAN: I'm Doctor Temperance Brennan from the Jeffersonian Institution.

BOOTH: Do you believe in fate?

BRENNAN: Absolutely not. Ludicrous.

(Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office.)

BRENNAN: I still don't.

BOOTH: And I still do.

Oh hey, here's Booth's evidence that he's “that guy”. Right from the start, literally the first thing he says to her after he introduces himself is about fate. Implying that fate brought them together.



Right from the start, he knew.



SWEETS: And you didn't argue, even though he withheld information and tested you.

BRENNAN: Well, my abilities were outside of his experience.

SWEETS: He called evidence "crap" and she basically called you stupid.

BRENNAN: We were feeling each other up, like, uh, a Honeymoon period.

BOOTH: Out. We were feeling each other out.

I don't know if it's just me, but whenever I watch the scene before this one, I feel weird, because we're so used to seeing them argue at the slightest thing, and so for them NOT to argue after he calls evidence “crap” and she calls him stupid, it's a shock to the senses.



It makes sense, though. They really don't know each other yet. Even Bones isn't going to verbally attack a guy she doesn't really know who she's going to be working with. Like was said, they were feeling each other out.



BOOTH: I brought in Gemma's baseball playing boyfriend for questioning for murder but I know he didn't do it.

BRENNAN: Well, how do you know?

BOOTH: why? Because the killer's Judge Hasty.

BRENNAN: Well, feeling isn't knowing. When you know something, you can argue fact not merely make unsupportable claims in a passionate tone.

BOOTH: You said that in a passionate tone without facts. You see, what it comes down to, it's all about what you feel.

Buuuuuut, here we see the start of their little “arguments”. I think they have two different kinds of arguments: ones where they're really arguing, and ones where they're just debating and bickering just for the sake of trying to be right. This is of the latter. And we see this format a lot through the series: she says something about how you have to go by logic and not feeling, and he switches it around, or finds an example of when she acted on feeling, etc.



BOOTH: I gotta tell ya..I really am enjoying working with ya, Bones.

BRENNAN: Bones is not my name.

BOOTH: It's just a nickname.

BRENNAN: Oh, yes. I see. I could call you....shoes!

BOOTH: Shoes? Why shoes?

BRENNAN: Yes, because they are so very shiny.

BOOTH: The shoes, they're part of my uniform.

“Because they are so very shiny.” Other than their drunken makeout session, this is probably my favorite part of the whole flashback.
I laugh SO MUCH every time.
It's the “so” added in there that makes it so funny.



BOOTH: The FBI, they just have a way of doing thing.

BRENNAN: Well, anthropologically speaking, para-militaristic organizations tend to constrain individuality.

BOOTH: That's for sure.

BRENNAN: But any group, no matter how restrictive, the free thinkers, the mavericks, rebels with leadership quality, find ways to declare their distinctiveness.

BOOTH: I'm a free thinking real rebel.

Hmmm. Perhaps that's why she loves the Cocky belt buckle so much. Because she knows she was the one who first planted in his mind the idea to break out and “declare [his] distinctiveness”.

BRENNAN: Are you seeing anyone?

BOOTH: Wow. Right to the point there, huh, Bones? Uh, casually but she doesn't like my hours. You?

BRENNAN: Well, uh, a physicist has been asking me out so I was thinking of saying yes.

BOOTH: Well, I'd ask you out if I could.

BRENNAN: Why can't you?

BOOTH: Well, FBI rules, again. No fraternizing with other agents or consultants.

BRENNAN: That's too bad.

BOOTH: Glad you think so.

I JUST LOVE THIS SCENE. The chemistry is full notch. And the way she asks if he's seeing anyone when her back is to him, showing how uncomfortable she is (in a good way), “that's too bad” “glad you think so”... IT'S SO GREAT.



BRENNAN: No. In fact, I am very intelligent.

JUDGE HASTY: Yeah? You could have fooled me. You're ridiculous.

(He grabs Brennan's arm and she turns around and punches him in the nose..and then punches him in the nose again - he falls to the floor.)

BRENNAN: (to Booth) Is this very bad?

BOOTH: I have been wanting to do that for years. You are so hot. That's great.

DAMN STRAIGHT SHE IS SO HOT, BOOTH.

BOOTH: What I wanted to to confess was - see, I have a gambling problem but I'm dealing with it.

BRENNAN: Why did you feel you had to tell me that?

BOOTH: I don't know. I just feel like, um, this is going somewhere...

BRENNAN: Why did you feel this is going somewhere?

(She gets closer to him)

BOOTH: I just - I feel like I'm gonna kiss you..

(They kiss. A lot.)

BOOTH: Wow.

BRENNAN: We are not spending the night together.

BOOTH: Of course we are. Why?

BRENNAN: Tequila.

(Brennan gets into the taxi and it starts to pull away but Booth chases after it.)

BOOTH: Hey, ho, ho. Hold the cab. Hold the cab. Hey!

(He knocks on the window, Brennan rolls it down)

BOOTH: So, you're afraid when I look at you in the morning, I'll have regrets?

BRENNAN: That would never happen.

(She chuckles, as the cab drives away as Booth stands in the middle of the street. She waves to him out of the back window)

Well.

First, GODDAMN THAT KISS.
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN.



But then, she suddenly changes her mind. She decides not to have sex with him, despite the fact that she was the one who was all gung-ho for them to have sex to begin with.



What changed?
He started talking about how he felt they were “going somewhere”. I mean, sweet jesus, her emotional development at this point, before she's been around Booth very much at ALL... the prospect of any sort of serious relationship is beyond preposterous to her. In their discussion, she probably doesn't think much of it, when he's all drunkenly admitting his gambling problem to her because he thinks they're “going somewhere”.



But after THAT KISS... after she feels the passion and emotion he puts into it, after she sees the passion and emotion SHE puts into it, after she feels their off-the-charts chemistry at full blast... she realizes “oh shit, he really thinks this could go somewhere” (and maybe, very very very very VERY deep down, she realizes “oh shit, this COULD go somewhere”). Or maybe it's a realization of a different kind; she feels the intensity of the kiss, and realizes this is a whole new territory, this is something she's never felt before.



And that's why she cites tequila as being the reason she's leaving. She thinks it's the alcohol that's making her, and him, feel all this.
So it's her cue to get the hell out of there.



(let it be known that I'm not implying she's already like, falling in love with him or anything, or having any real feelings for him at all. But drunkiness + insane chemistry + hot kissing can create some interesting temporary feelings in a person, even if that person can't actually process those feelings, is all I'm saying.)



BOOTH: Is something wrong?

BRENNAN: I find I'm annoyed with you.

BOOTH: Why? Because I fired you and hired you back? It's the Federal Government.

BRENNAN: No, because you got me drunk to fire me and then have sex with me.

BOOTH: Whoa, no. I got myself drunk so I could fire you and you decided not to have sex with me, which I accepted gracefully. So, you regretting that decision?

BRENNAN: No, I'm not. It was a very good decision and I stand by it.

BOOTH: What's going on, Bones?

BRENNAN: Do not call me Bones.

...
BOOTH: Okay, excuse me. You know what? You really need to learn how to speak to human beings.

BRENNAN: I speak six languages - two of which you've never even heard of.

BOOTH: You know what? You're a cold fish.

BRENNAN: You're a superstitious moron.

BOOTH: Get a soul.

BRENNAN: Get a brain.

Oh, dear. Well, let's go over this.
Bones is the one who starts with the angry streak. Why?
She has her rationalized reason of “oh well you got me drunk to fire me and then have sex with me!” Which very well may be part of it. Or really, part of it may be part of it. The drunk part.
Know how I said earlier how in her line of logic, being drunk is what made both his and her inhibitions go down and make them feel all that crazy intensity of their crazy intense chemistry. And that is No Man's Land for her. Bones no likey. And who gave her the alcohol? Booth.



So, she's angry at Booth.



And of course, he doesn't really know her well enough to get this yet, so he just gets angry back.
And then they transfer their anger to other, non-related things (“Get a soul!” “Get a brain!”).
And it all goes to hell.



BRENNAN: Let go of me.

BOOTH: I will if you would jus-

(Brennan slaps him across the face)

BOOTH: Oh! What the hell?!

BRENNAN: You are a bully. You - you grab my arm, just like the judge. You use your gun and your badge to intimidate people.

BOOTH: Really? You use your brain to make people around you feel stupid.

BRENNAN: Well, you are a stupid man. I hate you.

BOOTH: Oh, you hate me. What, are you 10 years old? I'm not your dad!

BRENNAN: I will never work with you again.

(Brennan grabs her jacket and storms off)

BOOTH: Who asked you?!

This scene was very difficult to watch the first time. Times thereafter weren't difficult, but were still unpleasant. No matter how much I remind myself that this is them long before they became them, that we knew all along that something happened to make her never want to work with him again. But even so, it's still sucky to watch. Because their bickering is fun, but nobody wants to see them THAT angry at each other.



I think it's interesting how he mentions her intelligence, and she mentions the badge and the gun, and that's just like an bit of one of their arguments in the pilot (“I'm not the one who’s gotta mention that she’s got a doctorate (her intelligence) every five...” “I am the one with the doctorate.” “I’m the one with the badge and the gun.”



You know what else is interesting? That slap. Nice act of passion there, Bones.
Think about it, though. She was already pissed at him for getting her drunk and making her kind of ~feel things~. So for her to be grabbed by the arm by this man she had ~felt things~ about... part of it is directed right at him for being an ass and a bully, but part of it is also anger at herself for allowing herself to ~feel things~ about said bully. Of course, it's completely irrational, but not in her mind.



So, back to current Bones time.
And there's this quote on a slab of stone when Bones and Booth are walking out of Sweets' office.
"Nothing happens unless first a dream.." - Carl Sandburg.



And I'm a bit stuck on it. I mean, it might not mean anything, but I mean, they do a big sweeping shot of it, you can see every word. It has to mean something if they included it in the shot, I'd think.



It's a little just like, “...what?” I mean, it's no “everything happens eventually”, in that, it's not direct. At all.



The most legitimate idea I can come up with is that they can't get together until Brennan really accepts and “imagines” the idea of them together (until she “dreams” it?) Or, it could be talking about how this whole revealing-of-feelings by Booth couldn't happen until he really imagined it for awhile or, in a more literal sense, until he “dreamed” it, i.e. his coma dream of them together?



Or maybe it just means nothing at all?



I don't know. Help me out with this one, blog readers. What are your ideas?



BRENNAN: In his book, Sweets wrote that being abandoned by my parents made me convinced that all meaningful relationships are doomed.



Uh, true.

BOOTH: And he wrote that I got "White Knight Syndrome" cause of my physically abusive, alcoholic father.

Also true.

BRENNAN: Hate psychology.

(Booth stops walking.)

BOOTH: I'm the gambler. I believe in giving this a chance. (He moves closer to her) Look, I wanna give this a shot.

BRENNAN: You mean us? (he nods) No. The FBI won't let us work together as a couple-

First off, DAMNIT BOOTH, don't you remember that time you said to Sweets "don't you know by now that you can't rush her" with emotional things. THAT APPLIES HERE, FOOL.Which is part of why this ends the way it does; it all happens too quickly. He rushes her. Emotional shit is hard enough for her, but for him to just drop the bomb on her like that... it doesn't help him at all, that's for sure.

Well well. Rational Brennan, going straight for the supposedly “rational” idea.

Note how she doesn't protest at all that she doesn't feel that way about him, or that they don't have that kind of relationship, which she would have said to anyone else who suggested that her and Booth “give it a shot”.

(I'm noting this now because I'm going to talk about it when I talk about the implications of all this later on.)

BOOTH: Don't do that. That is no reason why we can't...

(He cuts himself off and kisses her. She kisses him back and then places her hands on his chest and pushes him away.)

DAMN, THAT KISS.

BRENNAN: No. No.

BOOTH: Why? Why?

BRENNAN: You-you thought you were protecting me, but you're the one who needs protecting.

BOOTH: Protecting from what?

BRENNAN: From me! I - (she starts to break down) I don't have your kind of open heart.

Know all those times I've mentioned how Bones doesn't think she has empathy, how she doesn't think she has the capacity to love, etc. etc.? Those all compile themselves in this moment.

BOOTH: Just give it a chance..that's all I'm asking..

BRENNAN: No, you said it yourself; the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

BOOTH: Well, then let's go for a different outcome here, alright? Let's just - hear me out, alright? You know when you talk to older couples who, you know, have been in love for 30 or 40 or 50 years, alright, it's always the guy who says "I knew." I knew. Right from the beginning.

BRENNAN: Your evidence is anecdotal.

BOOTH: I'm that guy. Bones, I'm that guy. I know.

He is SO that guy. Which we know from what he said the very first time they met. There's no if, ands, or buts. We don't go “Well, maybe Brennan's right, maybe his evidence is just...” No. Not at all this time. The showrunners showed it right to us – he's that guy.

BRENNAN: I- I am not a gambler; I'm a scientist. I can't change. I don't know how. I don't know how. (and with that, she breaks Booth's - and her own - heart) Please don't look so sad.

FAN-WRITTEN STAGE DIRECTIONS, YOU ARE SO TRUE, YET AGAIN. She breaks both their hearts. She doesn't want to turn him down. But she's convinced she is cold-hearted, much too cold-hearted for Booth. She's afraid she'll hurt him. She's afraid she'll get hurt herself. She doesn't think she can change. She cannot see how much she has changed since knowing Booth because she has such an ingrained idea of herself as a “cold fish”, from how others treat her. She doesn't think she knows how to change, but the fact is, she already has. But she can't see this. And Booth is in no place to try and convince her otherwise, because 1) He's not in the state to – he just put his heart out on the table, and he can't focus on trying to convince her of something like that any time soon after that, and 2) He knows her well enough to know when he can and can't change her mind on something, when she has to figure it out for herself. And also 3) I wouldn't be surprised if his confidence in his ability to “read” her is monumentally shaken right after her first “no”. So he might not even be thinking that she's really changed now, even though deep down, he know she has.

It's one thing to believe in love – it's another to actually be in it. And right now, it is just too much for her to handle, even with Booth. She's just too afraid of it all still.

BOOTH: Alright. Okay. (he sighs, and leans back against the wall) You're right. You're right.

BRENNAN: Can we still work together?

BOOTH: (after a slight pause) Yeah.

BRENNAN: Thank you.

BOOTH: But I gotta move on. I gotta find someone who's - who's gonna to love me in 30 years or 40 or 50.

BRENNAN: (softly) I know.

OK JUST SHUT UP RIGHT HERE. SO SAD. CAN'T DEAL WITH IT.
When he's talking about how he has to move on, and she's just like “I know”, and they walk off and she grabs onto his arm and kind of like falls into him...
OH GOD IT IS JUST TOO MUCH FOR MY POOR LITTLE SENTIMENTAL HEART TO TAKE. GODDAMN.
DAMNIT, BOOTH, DON'T YOU KNOW THAT SHE'S GOING TO LOVE YOU IN 30 OR 40 OR 50 YEARS WHETHER YOU'RE TOGETHER OR NOT?!



Phew. Ok. I'm done.
With the play-by-play, that is.



So here's the deal:
When this first aired, I bawled after she said no. Like I've said before, I cry to everything, but I mean, the only other time I bawled that hard to something on TV was when Burke left Cristina at the alter on Grey's Anatomy (they were my absolute favorite couple on that show). I mean like, heaping SOBS (again, I cry to everything, so it's not like, grounds for putting me on suicide watch or anything, but then again, the “heaping sobs” category of crying doesn't happen exactly frequently either).



Because, you see, the first time around, the scene felt so positively final. The emotion of the moment swept me up into temporarily thinking that that was it for B&B, that there was no way they could get together after that.



But then, just like with most things on TV that upset me, a night's sleep restored my sanity.



It wasn't final, silly brain, it just felt that way because Brennan's all like “I can't change” and crying all over the place and Booth is all sad and it's just a vomit of emotion.



And you know why else it's not final?



There was no real discussion of “love”. He didn't say “I love you, Bones.” She didn't say “I love you, Booth.” They didn't exactly admit it. Which, I think, is more of a “dam” for them than anything else. The sex stuff, they can do easily, because their sexual chemistry is through the fucking ROOF. That's easy for them. It's the admittance of love that changes shit. Because, as Gordon Gordon said, the idea of them together is ABSURB. Superficially, they are as opposite as can be. They bicker all the time. By all societal standards, they should not be together. For them to break that idea, for them to admit that they love the other one despite it all, is what makes THAT the real “dam” that has yet to break.



Before I go on to my last point, we need to talk about Booth a bit. Poor, poor Booth. This is positively tragic for him. He built this image, this life, around Bones, and again, the scene just feels so final. He feels like well, shit, this is it. She made her choice. And he's absolutely crushed. He's now completely doubting his ability to “read” her and how much he truly knows her. Which complicates things quite a bit, and will for time to come, because he had always been the lead in all their emotional whatnots before (perhaps, though, this will force Brennan to come up to the plate in the future, since his confidence in relation to their relationship is so thoroughly shaken now.)



And now to the last point: you know what ELSE makes this scene not final, even though it feels like it?
How Bones actually did not want to do what she did. She did it because she felt like she had to, for Booth, but one thing tipped it off that she did not want to say what she was saying, no matter what her words actually implied:
How much she was crying.



We have NEVER seen her cry that much before, EVER. Not even close. And it's not something she can control, at least not in an overtly emotional situation like that. Part of it was because she hated hurting Booth that way (which I'll talk more about after this), but it was also because it hurt HER to say it. Because it's not what she wanted. She wants to be with Booth. And, just like how the scene overall felt to us, she feels like it's final. She's saying she can't change, that she doesn't know how, and she's implying that she never will. In this moment, all her deepest hopes for a life with him are crumbling, and why?



Because she loves him too much to allow herself to maybe hurt him.



(Hello, paradox.)



It is one of those “I'm hurting you now because I love you so much” things. She wants to be with him. But she thinks she'll hurt him, because she doesn't think she has an open heart like him. She's dying to be with him; whether she is aware of it consciously, subconsciously she id definitely aware of their progress as a couple since they've been working together. But she can't stand the thought of hurting him because she's a “cold fish”, so she sacrifices her own wants and needs and desires for him. She does what she does out of love.



I will leave you with a quote. Not from the show, but a quote relates VERY highly to this situation, specifically Brennan, whose court the ball is now in:

"And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

-Anaïs Nin.

Yeah, they're nowhere near done.